I WASN'T READY.
I wasn't ready to let her go. I wasn't ready to lose a part of who I was. The person who I loved 💜 so deeply. There was a moment in my life when I felt like I was on top of the world 🌎. I thought I had it all figured out 😂, and then I became a mom. Becoming a mom is different than being a wife 💍. The person you are married to is still capable of doing things independently or dependently. There are moments when you have to lean on one another, but when you become a mom--it starts a whole new 📖 chapter of your life.
Time still turns the pages of the book it's burned- So Far Away by Avenged Sevenfold
That chapter of your life does not look like it did when you didn't have the responsibilities of unwrapping the 🎁 gifts of God. Children are given to us by God 🙏🏽 to guide them in this physical experience. I really questioned whether I was capable of guiding these two beautiful souls alongside my husband. I still 🤔 question it, but I am aware of the fact that- as someone mentioned to me once: Kids are a gift 🎁 from God that we get to unwrap daily and watch them. They guide us, in more ways than one; they also teach us. Recently I have been reading the 📖 Bible. One of the things that I have taken away is that children are given the gift of seeing truth by God. The things that we as adults have become blind to; they see it all, hear it all, and feel it all. Just as Jesus did with God.
And said, "truly I tell you, unless you change and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Whoever becomes humble like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven." Matthew 18:3-4
It really makes you think how far removed you are from your true purpose/path. I’ve been reflecting because for so long I am (and still to this day) a self-proclaimed 🔮 Psychic-Intuitive-Empath. I still feel/sense things and get a lot of Spirit 🔮 Downloads. I get a lot of prophetic dreams 😴 and prophecies that come to fruition. For so long, I struggled with accepting these responsibilities. I finally accepted them. I grabbed the 🐮 bull by the horns and ran full force into being the best empath I could be. When I became a mom, it felt like I had to give up a lot of that kind of stuff. I felt like I had to give up a lot of who I was so that I could fit this 💡 idea of what my child would think of me as a mom. 💥NEWS FLASH💥: your kids don’t know who you should be as a parent. I sure as hell know I did not know what I needed from my parents as a child. They did a great job, and I know I'm doing a great job. Later on, my kids may not agree, but who knows. I do know that I am trying my best every single day. What I'm getting at, the person who I lost, who I thought I could be again in my head, was so much more easily attainable if I were to just leave and be on my own. Do it all by myself. 😓 Here is the thing- I can’t and I won’t. I have these two amazing gifts from God, who I love dearly, who ask nothing of me but to show up as my ✨ TRUE AUTHENTIC SELF ✨ They are okay with who I am, what I stand for and what I believe in. I am going to be okay and this person who l thought l lost, she is in there. She is asking to be 🪶 reborn. I don’t have all the answers or all figured out. I am participating in the 🌟 Free 2 Be Me 🌟 hosted by Jodi Collins, which I am so excited for. So I can find a way to bring back the me that I was grieving for so long. I was grieving 😭 the loss of her, but what I really did was a disservice to her. I did a disservice to the me that I know I am. It’s like when you’re at a huge fairground and you are walking with your 👧🏻 kid. Next thing you know you’re looking 👀 for them. You can’t find them. You’ve lost them. Like a movie- you pan out, looking for the children. Like I lost the little person who I was- I couldn’t find her. That little person is 😱 screaming at me “Mom, VICTORIA, VICTORIA, just find me- I'm here, I need you.” I chose to 🌟 show up 🌟 for her. 💠 For my children. 💠 For my husband. 💠 For my connection to spirit, to God. 💠 And for those around me. For the longest time, I thought I was not worthy. But I am. I am so 🌟 worthy 🌟. I thought I was of no value. I am valuable, I am 🌟 INVALUABLE 🌟. I didn’t think people wanted to hear what I offered or the 🤔 knowledge/wisdom that I do have on certain topics. Just a few weeks ago in a facebook group of my oil community, someone tagged me on a question posed to the group that had no response. I was tagged along with several other individuals, to provide insight on. So, someone thought that I could ➕ add value to another person. 🤯 It floored me. I was so excited for it because I am 💜 passionate about many things; my children, my husband, educating on psychic/empath abilities, and natural solutions. For so long, people believe that they should have a passion for one 1️⃣ thing, but really we can be multi-passionate. We can literally have as many goals and dreams as we want to have. Who is to tell us that we can’t? The only person stopping you from following through with these things is yourself. Let me reiterate... You are the only person that is stopping yourself from following through on the passions that you have. Because you’re choosing to not 👂🏼listen to yourself. You’re choosing validation from others. Kids don’t seek validation for a lot that they do, yeah they may say “mommy look” but they don’t look to you for validation that they can jump off of the couch onto the floor. They’re asking you to watch them do it, to trust them. 🤯 So, why can’t you watch and trust yourself, ya know? Like it is astounding to me, that for so long, for the past 3️⃣ years, I have felt so confused as to who I was. Because I thought that I didn't 🚫 deserve to bring the happy version of myself with me. I thought I had to sacrifice 🗡 who I was in order to be a good mommy. That is the complete opposite, you shouldn’t have to sacrifice who you are to be a good mommy. At the end of the day that turns into frustration. You’re frustrated 😤 because you’re not doing the things that you want/need/love to do. Your kids see 👀 that. Recently, my 3 yr old has gotten into the habit of asking me, “Mommy, happy” or “Mommy, sad”. He recognizes 🤨 emotions and we work through it. So when he is angry and wants to hit or throw things, like all toddlers do, "we don't use hands we use words to explain the emotions." It is hard to explain like being happy and crying but also sad and crying. It has made me reflect on the fact that kids see what we feel and what we sense. Just like I do as an Empath. I have really been working towards accepting who I am in this season. For the longest time I struggled with a business. I am the founder of Essentially an Empath. She is on hold. Why? I’ve prayed to God and spirit. I asked them: what am I supposed to be doing in this season of life? What I heard 👂🏼: Be there for your children. I essentially was cleaving myself in two ✌🏽 to try to be this person that had both. Right now, in this season of life, being their mommy, teaching them and guiding them on life lessons is the main focus. Is this the end of Essentially an Empath, 🚫 HELL NO. She is still here, but I am learning how to hold space for her. I keep putting together all of these ideas and information, don’t get me wrong: 💠 I still get messages and downloads from Spirit and God. 💠 I still have my Intuitive moments. 💠 I still have my psychic moments. That is not going away. That was a gift given to me by God. I will never 🛑 stop working on improving it. I do know that if I don’t honor 🙏🏽 myself I can’t operate at my highest self ✨ That being said; I have had a lot of stuff on my mind 🧠 and going on. I am just really excited to welcome in this reborn version of myself. Like a phoenix, rising from the ashes. How fitting as my college sorority mascot was a phoenix. So, ultimately, I will rise ⬆️ from the ashes. Anxiety and depression can be a season, it can be your whole life, it can come in ebbs and flows 🌊 It can be hard to get out of. I have prayed on it, I’ve done a lot of work: 👤 shadow work, 👧🏻 inner child work, and healing. It will never 🛑 stop. There is this false notion that “once you complete this course you’re done”. 🚫 NO! Life is a constant 📝 learning; continually changing and evolving. There are new traumas and new situations that are going to put you through trials and tribulations. Right now this season of life, people are hunkering ⛺ down and really accepting who they are and what they stand for. [This is GOD’S work and season so dig deep]. We are mentally preparing, shedding a layer of skin like a 🐍 snake that no longer serves us. To move into this new frame of life. The way things have gone, just like 2020 has been a big tipping point (spiritually, psychically, emotionally), there were a lot of things, and this is just the beginning. 💠 A lot of hunkering down. 💠 A lot of self reflection. 💠 A lot of preparation. It is okay if you don’t know who you are right now, you will find that person. It may be tomorrow, a year from now, or longer. It may take: 💠 A lot of crying 💠 A lot of journaling 💠 A lot of meditating 💠 A lot of prayer 💠 Whatever it is that is called to you. You will get there. I struggled a lot with my Empath/Intuitive Gifts. I thought that speaking to spirit 👻 and hearing stuff was the devil's 😈 work. But really, there is a spirit in a 👤 dark form and spirit of a 🕯 light form- the Holy Spirit. A gift from God to prophesize, to interpret, to differentiate spirits, and to be able to preach or teach. What I'm really getting at is, the person that you thought you lost can be found again.
Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times, if one remembers to turn on the light- Albus Dumbledore (Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban)
It is okay, this is your permission to access that person. This is your permission. You don’t need anyone else's validation or confirmation. You are allowed to be that person. You do not have to cleave yourself in two.
This is just the beginning. Every day is a new beginning. I am done cleaving myself in two. You may hear babbling, as I do have two kids. As I said, I’m not cleaving myself in two where I don't incorporate my children, living this life of false perfection. They are very much a part of me. I birthed them. I grew them. I am connected to them. Cheers to the next time. I’m doing this so that my kids can find the best them. With Love 💜, Victoria